I Am Angry At You (And Everyone Else)

I forced myself to look him straight in the eye, straining every facial nerve to maintain a neutral expression. All the while, blood was rushing to my ears with such intensity that I could literally hear my own heartbeat. Rage-infested thoughts were already breeding inside my head. Under the table, my fingers were clenched so tightly that my nails had punched little pale white lines on my palm. All the while, I concentrated. Breathe. I inhaled. Maintain control.


Anger is an interesting feeling. It's a frustrating paradox in making you feel invincible and miserable at the same time. And while you might feel empowered by the things you did while you were angry (Yes! Did you see his face? Take that!), after some time you impotently reflect on your actions (Alright, I suppose that was unnecessary. Why did I do that?), which almost always leave a bitter taste in your mouth and lasting consequences in your world (Now he won't talk to me. Neither will anyone else.) As a general rule, anger makes people do stupid things. 

Jesus spoke about this in the Sermon on the Mount, when He said,

You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'Do not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgement. But I say, if you are angry with someone, you are subject to judgement!' (Matthew 5:21-22a)

Jesus considered anger or resentment to be as dangerous as murder. In the case of anger, the injury is done to the person who harbours anger in his or her heart. Someone once wrote that anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Robert Green Ingersoll remarked, that 'anger is a wind that blows out the lamp of the mind.' King Solomon wrote along the same lines. Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. (Proverbs 25:28)


Anger is damaging. Careers have been ruined, relationships destroyed, families broken, friends alienated, property decimated, rights abused, laws violated--and lives lost--because one string too many snapped in the heat of the moment. I had a bad experience once with a friend who came to me with an axe to grind and the intention of using me as the grindstone. He started shouting and gesturing wildly. I kept a cool head, but anger is infectious, and soon I was yelling my own head off and gesticulating like a traffic policeman at rush hour. The encounter ended badly for both of us. I learned that day that a short fuse and a long memory is a bad combination. A very bad combination.


However, in his letter to fellow Christians, James counselled another approach. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight. (1 James 1:19-20) He saw through the nonsense we often parade when we are angry. 'Come on! Admit I'm right, I'm the good guy here! He's just unreasonable.' But James warned that just being angry already means we lose the moral high ground. Instead, he advises that we listen first before we speak at all during a heated confrontation. It's a great way to defuse situations before they start. I know a friend who was confronted by someone who was not in the best mood. He completely blew his top and ranted for minutes on end while my friend simply nodded patiently, not saying a word. Eventually, things cooled down, the blood receded from the person's face, and he apologised profusely and admitted that he just needed to let off steam. Problem solved, and my friend never even spoke.


When speaking, our first words should be of reconciliation. Oh my goodness if this isn't just tough. My years of expertise and mental acuity are just handing me verbal weapons of mass destruction that will crush this guy's ego so badly he will weep blood as soon as I open my mouth. But words spoken in anger never make things better. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1) Maybe the person is accusing you of something you find extremely offensive. Maybe he or she even has a bone to pick with you about your character, your friends, your actions, habits or words, any of a myriad of things. The best thing to do is deflect the blows with a quiet word that you understand how he or she is feeling and that you will not hold him or her responsible. Lash out in self-defense and you may win a victory of ego. But, as Ambrose Bierce commented, speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. 


So let anger out. It is a natural human response of indignation, and it is not a sin to be angry. But it is the way we deal with the burning coal we juggle in our hand, that shows the depth of our character. Love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. ( 1 Corinthians 13:4-5) So let our God, the God of love and peace, handle the anger. The moment we surrender it to Him, we have already won our victory over sin. And that is better than any 'victory' you can get from a fight with a friend.